So here I am, again. Let me tell the story to save it. Save all the emotions, save it all, so I can learn from it in the future - because I don't know what's the lesson now.
About 3 weeks ago I saw a guy on tinder. Broken English, but all positive vibes, positive attitude. I gave it a chance and we started talking. It was going really well. I tried tinder, out of boredom. And because I went for it, I said - bless it be. Something made me open up. I didn't swipe much, because I started talking to him. It felt good. I thought - I was never truly loved, and I've never loved. I was hurt many many times, so I shut myself down and didn't even let anyone love me. Sometimes I was toxic, desperate. I grew from that. I'm strong, independent, in touch with my spirit. So I thought - I will let myself be loved. I will open up, and I will let someone finally love me. Someone who will let me taste it. It wasn't my expectation, but I was my intention.
I didn't feel judged. I did feel listened. We talked about romance, and I saw equal exchange. We had a walk thru the park. I felt cared for. We talked about most important parts of life, and relationship. Marriages, divorces, splitting up the responsibilities, but also we hugged under the umbrella and laughed a lot. He said he was shy, so I tried breaking the barriers. Little touch - hand to hand. Sitting more close. Looking in the eyes with a smile. And I did saw sparkles in his eyes. I saw something in them, that made me shy, that made me blush. We sat on the bench and shared embarrassing stories from the childhood. Next meeting, we went for the coffee, which we shared. We started feeling comfortable, and relaxed. I felt closer. We touched hands and I played with His fingers. It was long hours of talking. We went on the walk, and kept making plans for next meetings, we kept planning for summer and trips. I was opening myself, and preparing myself to be leaving my house more. Lately I was just living between work, university and bed. We planned to go to Cracow, and Wroclaw, even Oswiecim to show him bits of history and culture that... He knew nothing about. And then he was telling me about his culture, traditions, society and norms. Each day just getting closer. I helped him find a new place, when He tried to move. I was ready to teach him about vegan food, since He was interested. I was getting invested with my time and emotions. I was sharing my thoughts with my friends and family, and he cared what I thought and felt, because He did ask about it. With Him I was accepting, thoughtful, open, positive, I stayed true to myself - fully.
Last time He came to visit me at my home. He came prepared, casual-formal wear, and gift for my Mom, because - I believe - He cared for his impression on Her. For me it was all with intention of building foundations for relationship, but with knowledge that He claimed he was shy. We went home, my Mom loved Him, they talked, and I was translating, whole thing was positive and filled with laughter. It was happy. I started showing myself more. My heart thru my art, my knowledge, passions, and spirituality. We enjoyed some wine, we ate the dinner, and started talking heart to heart. Then I showed my spiritual side, and he requested tarot reading. I did say that I am beginner and learning, but He was curious how it works. I felt close and comfortable enough to do it. Even decided to cleanse, and charge him some stones. I lighted the candles, and when I was charging one stone, the amethyst just dropped into the fire and wax. Mess on my altar, mess on my hands. Maybe it was a warning. Maybe I was already doing too much. Good for him - cause the stone was charged, but I got left out with mess on my hands. I overlooked that. He cleansed himself, and charged by the candle light - so I did the same, and started with tarot. We did 4 questions reading. He was bit sceptic of how it supposed to work, but quickly I saw his jaw dropping, when I was talking about things He never told me about. Everything was accurate. I did open his eyes to things he was avoiding, which was making him feel bad. (I won't disclose the details here, since it's very personal). I also did the runes reading. To see, if the read would match. And it did. Runes said what's the issue, and the way to resolve it was... relationship. Partnership, trust and loyalty. Last rune said that - whatever mess is going on, that with support it will be better. And it will be better when we get in touch with ourselves more. And... I am sorry, but I am the partner who opened up his eyes. I am the one who taught him, and made him realize what's wrong. Maybe it's silly to take the reading personally, but I did fell that. Felt like perfect puzzle. I am the last one. We had a long talk, and he opened up. I listened. And I did say some too.
We walked to the bus stop, we held hands.
Later that night I had a dream with him. First dream with him, and it wasn't a positive one. I had a dream that he needed my help. He needed my help with translation, but what he handed me were divorce papers. He was married. And I was just a translator. I felt like he cheated on me, lied and kept hiding things from me.
I told him that dream. And we started talking. I was nervous, because when he visited me in my home - I did ask him "what are we doing". I got the answer that... made me actually sad. But I still did hold my hope. He told me that, he can't talk about it, since he's still thinking about the reading. I accepted that. Legit and under stable reason. But he also said that he would never want to lose me. Im valuable, he knows im special, and he would want to have me thru his whole life. Sounds so good, right? No. No, it doesn't. I got sad, but smiled. In morning I he called and we started to discuss that. Basically... from the reading - he decided that his life is a hell, and I would be in mess If I would join that. He said that he doesn't want to commit, and I did so well - holding both my tears and laughter. I wanted to laugh, that another man tries to "save me", be the god damn knight, being so good, making me avoid the mess, and saving me from being hurt. Oh how great to be saved AGAIN. I am so fucking tired of men acting all King, all Hero from saving a poor, fragile woman. When he's the one to lose the arm wrestling against me. I am the strong one. I am the one who grew for almost a decade to not be hurt - especially by things that aren't mine. And if I do get hurt - I know how to deal with it. I am tired of scared saviors. I am not going to get hurt, but I am deeply offended that another guy takes me for a weak one. But okay, deep breathe. It's his choice. If he doesn't want me to be that close, then okay. But even friendship needs commitment. And if he can't have any? Why the hell are we even talking? And then I asked - What's my role then. Am I just a translator, tour guide around Poland, someone to give him readings and that's it? Suddenly that's all I am?
I understand, as a witch, that is connected and grounded, I do understand how important it is to organize your mess first. And I do understand that could just realize that with my help, and just change your mind. But I also believe it could be done by someones side. I accept and understand, that he still might prefer to go on the war by his own. It's okay. It's mature to decide that, to change the priorities, and reclaim power over your life, but also I believe, and I would prefer to be respected (with my time and emotions) and hear the truth right away, not just when I asked. And I did ask, cause Im smart enough to stay protected until I know im safe. I did ask, because I started engaging with emotions. Feeling safe, comfortable, warm. I just wanted to grab his face and kiss him. I wasn't sure if we are heading that way, if maybe he lost his interest or attraction to me, or he maybe just... is still too shy to do it by himself. I asked to know where are we. I needed to know if im safe. Turns out I am not. I am deeply annoyed I needed to dig into it to get the answer. And I got pretty disappointed to hear that I shouldn't get attached. That it will be a mess. Said a guy after long walks, looks in the eyes and holding hands.
still - I understand that he might have been lost. I am smart enough to understand and accept that. People use to hide their shit under the carpet and act like everything is okay until they invite someone over and tell them that it smells there. I understand. But do I also feel used? I do.
And cherry on top. He asked me if we still stay the same. I said - yeah, we are friends. But also I know things will change. I won't stop talking to him, but everything has to change. Friends don't hold hands. Friends don't look at each other with sparks in the eyes. And I don't do work for friends. I don't put this much effort. We don't meet that often. We don't call those dates. I see my best friend once per 2-3 months. I see my other friend whenever she just has me on her way to home from work. I don't plan my schedule around my friends. I am used to living alone, and being alone. Without the intention, without the purpose for getting something more, something that I can't get on my own - I don't know if I see any sense to keep going. He gets the help to move, help with exploring, language, opportunity to meet with people, lesson on how to get in touch with spirituality. He is right. I am sooo valuable to him. Why would anyone not want to keep me forever? I am a swiss knife between people. I can do so much. But what do I get? I was hoping for warmth. My intention was to find the rock that would be there, ready to cuddle when I get tired coming back from my own war. If he can't commit, and he can't be that - what do I get then? What's the reason?
Is it the end? - I said no - because we connected on soul level.
I told him that it's no problem for me. Just tell me what you want. How you see me. What's my role. I can be alone. I was alone for about a decade and killing it on my own. I am strong myself. No need to worry. I am fucking strong. I won't be hurt. I would want a relationship, but I don't need one. I can stay alone.
He already felt sorry, saying - no, no.
Yes. I can stay alone, and he can't control my choices, and I know what's good for me. I was alone for such a long time - BECAUSE - I needed it on soul, deeper layer. I wanted it to have strong fundaments. I didn't want to just go and be with someone. Connection first. We got it, and he gave up to "save me". Whatever. It's your choice, King.
I always get men who do try to hurt me (it's obvious when they try to, so I just... leave - since I know better), or men who try to save me from getting hurt, thinking I am weak. It makes me so so so offended.
"I am scared to lose you, I don't want to lose you" - he said.
"You might" - I responded.
And just like I said - sometimes being scared, and "protecting" what's so valuable might actually make you lose it. - I am worth more than being protected. I know im worth fighting for. I won't settle down for any less than that.
N.
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