|CLXXXVIII| Dudes - the collection of stories

I was thinking of talking about it but i always stopped myself, since that story is long and includes other people. But i decided to speak up about my life, cause well, i think it's pretty interesting.
I should start with saying that my friend was always telling me that im kinda special in other way, cause in my life i always bump into weird people, and especially men. Right now i'll tell you about couple of them. I would not call them weird, but they're for sure not something typical. There's always a twist.

I'm not sure who I should start with. Should I give you the worst/most ridiculous story first or the kinkiest?
I will start it with saying I've had Daddy, a Baby and a Slave. All at once, since I've never met them and never declared anything serious going on, I've been talking to different men. Since I'm all about raw truth, I'll also admit that I've been into DDLG for a long time. And i would put myself into "switch" box. I've been looking for somebody remembering about that Lil kink. I never found a good daddy, cause all were just creepy (besides one or two but that's a story for another time and also with a twist). Just by looking around I talked to this boy, thinking like oh, we could be friends or something. And he straight up fell for me. What's the plot twist? You might not know what does that mean when I say he's a boy. He likes to act like he's little. He likes age play, likes to be taken care of, likes to be ordered to do some things and get punished. Also he's a huge brat. I'm okay with everything but I'm harsh when somebody's is bratty, cause that's annoying. I'm harsh, and if they still playing I get tired and mad and I just leave.
Then I met this Daddy that was really cute, our deals were matching. He would take care of me, and I would give him what he needs sometimes, and by saying what he needs I mean - I'll give him pain. Bonus points cause he's Greek, and I would use all the help I could get in learning Greek right now. And everything's cool, but dude ghosted me, typically like all of other daddies I tried to talk to (including a sugar daddy, and that's also another story for another time). Then when I was just looking thru my Instagram I got a message, random one that I'm pretty or something. I talked a little bit to this guy and he straight away asked if I'm interested in having a slave, and getting paid for it. I'm never hurray about propositions like that, but I don't know, maybe I had a bad day and needed to yell at someone and he showed up and literally asked for it - and after our little talk I realised I even kinda like him the way he is, so I kept him. He calls me goddess and is ready to do what I tell him to do. And I'm gonna admit, it's a God damn sandbox for me. And I'm thankful for his dedication. I get bored sometimes, and don't talk to him for months and he still is there with unlimited love, not asking for loving him back. Win-win situation. Except I don't take money from him - yet. I respect him for having balls to give away their whole life to another person. It's crazy, but ballsy and bold. And well I'm not also a devil, so I'll not ruin him. He's safe with me. Might get hurt, but safe. Those are examples of men I met. Kinda extreme, right? Well...

I will tell you about men from second category. Surprising men. One of them I met thru dating app when I had a breakdown and decided I need to be in a relationship. It turned out he was in breakdown too. We ended up in bed. It was the freakiest night of my life - nothing I expected, and everything I ever dreamed of. Next day he told me we should say goodbye to each other, because he has issues and realised he can't be in the relationship. I sat down and thought about it. About commitment and stuff and thought if I'm ready myself. Answer was really easy - no. I'm not ready for a relationship, and it was a mistake that I was looking for it. It will find me on its own. But I couldn't let that good fuck go. So I got a friend with benefits on champions level. We had some cool, fun and casual time together... Until he showed his true colors. Low key homophobic, and straight up transphobic. And the cherry on top - didn't understand when I said no. I don't want to talk about those nasty opinions you have about things you know nothing about, but you think you know everything, cause you watch left winged media and read a book or two. He didn't listen. He said too much. And he permanently become the most unattractive and the least fun dick I've ever knew. And we never spoke again. Next was a man who is studying in my city. Young man, who traveled the world. But he never left his place whenever he stayed at in those different counties. He was never truly interested in culture and traditions of places he have been visiting - and that made him the most boring person I've met. I tried so hard to look for the topic - politics, religion, everything. And there's nothing. He eats the same things, watches the same movies and walks the same way everyday. No actual hobbies. But I know he liked me, and that's very flattering, meanwhile I can't think of the topic we could talk about besides saying obvious stuff that does not need to be said.
And the third man in this category is also surprising. I have an account on PH, and some people just send me their private parts and stuff and this guy he maybe did that too, but after that he just talked to me like to a human being. With respect, with some topic. Turned out to be quite a romantic soul, looking for love that he can work on. Totally the opposite you expect from PH. And we talk to this day and he's quite cool. I respect that man. Kinda sad he lives that far away.

Category three - sketchy player. After reading all I've written for now you might think I'm a hoe, and a player. And you have rights to think that, but I'll disagree. What I think is that I am really cool young woman and if I can then I'll just have fun and take all the attention, admiration and action I can get, cause why not. Women also wanna have fun. And the last guy... He has a girlfriend. I knew them both on Facebook, but never in life, so when he messaged me I just chatted with him out of boredom. He started hitting on me, flirting. He even told me he's unhappy with his girlfriend because... She doesn't want to get adventurous in bed and try new things. Basically he got bored of her but still didn't want to leave her. I asked him about that because he was really into me. Basically the deal was - have balls, change your life for better and come and let's bang like young Gods. He didn't wanted to break up with her, but didn't stop messaging me, sexting me, etc. I didn't care, cause it's their thing, not mine. I'm not getting into how their relationship works. And I said like... Come, and let's have fun. He was always kinda pushing that idea around, but still wanted to keep sexting. At that point I realised what he's doing. He's having fun with both of us. He probably fucked her, but thinking about me. She was lied to, and I just wasted time. No fun for either of us, girls. And that's not right. You don't try to cheat, and mess around with the cheat, cause guess what, I can message your girl. And I did. I told her, I showed her screenshoots. But the girl turned out to be stupid, cause she didn't listen, and told me it's my fault even if not me she would never know her man is a snake with no balls to admit what he had been doing. She blocked me, and told her man to block me. At that point they're both out from my life and I'm more than happy cause it was messy. Well... Yeah. For some time I had them out. After a year the guy found my mail and send me an email saying that he missed me, and that HE FORGAVE ME THAT I TOLD HER. The audacity! The audacity of it all! He was still up for play. I told him about fun with friend with benefits, and he's abilities, and i guess the guy felt small and left me alone, but i feel it in my bones - that he will be back.

And the moral if it is that you should listen when a girl shows you that your man is a cheater. Cheater will always be a cheater. Sorry not sorry. And i can't tell her he's back, cause I remind you - she blocked me. Funny.

I can add a little bonus story - once at club one man stopped me, looked me in the eye and told me that he sees that I'm sensitive and I've been thru a lot.
As it is quite nice and cool thing to say to people during the party. :)

Yall twisted men.

N. R / M. More

|CLXXXVII| What's the difference between selfcare and depression

Im saying it all for myself, and for people that are worried about me.

I'll start the story with me, when i still was a child. I always had problems with building relationships in general. Maybe because my parents hated each other, maybe because all my father taught be was to how to hate myself. My mom was always laughing when she was telling me the story about my first day at kindergarten. I was being assaulted by other kids, called names, since i've always been fat. I didn't move, i didn't do anything. The next day my mom told me to defense myself. But nobody ever told me how. I got aggressive and angry in contact with other people, so they started being scared of me. I was pushing people away, so they would not hurt me, and quickly found myself safe, but very lonely. When i started looking for friends i had that mental wall built there already, ready to defense myself, stressed, with aggression programmed in my brain. Somebody even said that i must be very sensitive, because i try people very hard, and i push them to their limits, i make them meet with my mental wall, which is my aggression, and i let in only those people, that i believe they will not hurt me in any way. And i think it's true. And i think only one person have made it totally in for now. Anyway i was always struggling, not being aware that i built this wall by myself, and i always got even more aggressive, when i saw people letting me go and giving up on me, because i was so lonely. I desperately tried to stop them, even manipulate them, just to stop them, just to ask them to try get through the wall again - and i was not making it easier for them, even with the second try.
I am an adult woman now and somehow managed to have some friends that i love very much, and one best friend, that is the person I am the most grateful for in my life, because i know they're not going anywhere, and they're always be there for me no matter what.
I was fighting with people my whole life. Pushing away, and trying to keep them in the same time. I got used to it, but lately i observed some changes. I started to enjoy the time when I'm all by myself, and i find this time very valuable.

I keep myself busy. I wake up, drink my morning coffee, go to university, I study, then i workout hard, often and a lot, then i listen to the music that brings me so much joy lately - it's like spa treatment, but with sounds. Then i take warm shower, i take my cocoa butter and i give myself a little rub, to have soft skin like goddess. I go to gynecologist, I cook myself a healthy dinner... And then something new happened. I felt strong unwillingness to people. I kept my close friends, but i pushed away everybody else. I don't want to go out to the club. I don't want to deal with people at all. Even those i kept with me - we don't talk that much.
I feel bad about it, and also i feel very confused. I used to try to keep people so bad. Fight for them to stay, give myself to others, use me, ruin me, just so they won't leave. And now i feel like pushing people away just for myself is some kind of selfcare that i needed for a long, long, loooong time, but in the same time i feel so bad when somebody is calling me, and i just watch my phone vibrate, till somebody hangs up and give up. And i feel relief. Then i feel bad agin, cause i know that i need to come up with some excuse, like i was extremely busy. And maybe i was. I was busy with myself. I just like myself, and i just don't want to talk and listen to anyone. Is this acceptable? Or rude?

See, there goes my problem. I'm not sure if I am depressed, finally taking care of my body and mind, and owning my time, or I'm just a really bad friend. Also what's the difference between selfcare, and going into depression? Most of the times both are happening when you're alone.

I picked up the phone call lately. One of the people was concerned about my mental health, because i did not acted how i use to. I just don't feel like clowning around 24 hours for 7 days in week. I did not wanted to talk, but also felt quilty, cause i did not pick up the phone when they were calling me all of those fifteen times before. They asked how I am doing,  and i said that i just don't know. And it started a very annoying conversation, that maybe im not okay. I got so annoyed. I'm just busy, and doing a lot, so my days are blending. I don't really remember what was yesterday. I don't pay any attention to that, since i live here and right now. Then i listened to all the crap from their life that... I'm sorry, but i just couldn't care. I deal with my own life, and i get really annoyed when i need to listen to others deals. I just don't want to talk, and don't want to listen. I also don't require anyone to listen to me, so i think that's fair? But still i feel bad. What kind of human being, and what kind of friend I am if i just don't care about the people?

I've been in depression before. I know how it feels, and right know it does not feel like it. Yes, I might sound tired, but i feel like i have all the rights to be tired. I work out a lot, and i do that hard, because everyday I am at the gym i push myself, because i want to feel the pain. Im sore all the time, and i study a lot. So hell yeah, I am very tired, but also many small things bring me true joy. Listening to the "House of Memories" and "Death of the Bachelor" for example. Enjoying cup of coffee, or cocoa. Meditation and zoning out. Being quiet. Watching movies. Sleeping. Drawing. And there is no space for people in it. Everybody has problems, and what people tend to do is to talk about their problems. It ruins my perfect, calm moments, so i just can't force myself to talk. Sometimes i even think, that it would be cool as fuck, if my classmates that sit next to me in university would be assholes that just don't talk to me. Sometimes i think it would be cool to go to university, listen to the lecture, and just enjoy silience, or some music during the break. But we talk instead.
It's still better than picking up the phone, or people trying to set some date and place to meet with me.

I also think it could be just the winter thing. It gets dark very quick, and sun rises very late. We all are tired, and since I'm doing so much - I just don't have energy for people. I stopped talking with the guy i've met lately. Stopped texting back to the guy from Turkey. He's still texting me everyday saying "Hi!", and i was so tired by his questions, when i was saying "hi" back. I stopped responding, and I'm already much happier. I stopped picking up the phone. If you need something - it's easier to text me what you need. Calling me is a bad idea. I just won't pick up. I think i've never got a phone call, that was strictly about what that person called for. There is always unnecessary talk, and gossip that i just can't care about right now.

I sound like bad friend to have. But it's just some tired time in my life, when i just don't want to listen, and i don't want to argue, and open my mouth. I want to be alone and quiet, and enjoy being with myself.
I did not had and i still have no balls to tell this to some people. Also i don't have energy. I would need to tell ALL OF IT to quite few people. Can you just imagine yourself, trying to explain all of this shit to everybody, one by one, because they called? Hell fucking no. I rather play with my hamster, and read some stuff.

Anyway i would also want to say, that it's nothing personal. It's not that i don't care about people.  I just don't care about speaking with people right now. I can't do it. And it's nobodys fault. Nobody did anything bad to me, nobody hurt me. Nobody did something wrong. It's just me. I might be okay, and i might be not, but i want to be alone right now, and i want to be able to enojy myself without feeling guilty. I think for the first time in a long time I'm truly selfish, and please let me have it.

P.S. I'm also super scared that if it will be over, and i would want to go back to people - it will be too late, because they will leave and give up on me for good. They would have all the rights, cause im not supportive, and not being there for them. But also - i really, really need that "me" time.

~N.R