I'll start the story with me, when i still was a child. I always had problems with building relationships in general. Maybe because my parents hated each other, maybe because all my father taught be was to how to hate myself. My mom was always laughing when she was telling me the story about my first day at kindergarten. I was being assaulted by other kids, called names, since i've always been fat. I didn't move, i didn't do anything. The next day my mom told me to defense myself. But nobody ever told me how. I got aggressive and angry in contact with other people, so they started being scared of me. I was pushing people away, so they would not hurt me, and quickly found myself safe, but very lonely. When i started looking for friends i had that mental wall built there already, ready to defense myself, stressed, with aggression programmed in my brain. Somebody even said that i must be very sensitive, because i try people very hard, and i push them to their limits, i make them meet with my mental wall, which is my aggression, and i let in only those people, that i believe they will not hurt me in any way. And i think it's true. And i think only one person have made it totally in for now. Anyway i was always struggling, not being aware that i built this wall by myself, and i always got even more aggressive, when i saw people letting me go and giving up on me, because i was so lonely. I desperately tried to stop them, even manipulate them, just to stop them, just to ask them to try get through the wall again - and i was not making it easier for them, even with the second try.
I am an adult woman now and somehow managed to have some friends that i love very much, and one best friend, that is the person I am the most grateful for in my life, because i know they're not going anywhere, and they're always be there for me no matter what.
I was fighting with people my whole life. Pushing away, and trying to keep them in the same time. I got used to it, but lately i observed some changes. I started to enjoy the time when I'm all by myself, and i find this time very valuable.
I keep myself busy. I wake up, drink my morning coffee, go to university, I study, then i workout hard, often and a lot, then i listen to the music that brings me so much joy lately - it's like spa treatment, but with sounds. Then i take warm shower, i take my cocoa butter and i give myself a little rub, to have soft skin like goddess. I go to gynecologist, I cook myself a healthy dinner... And then something new happened. I felt strong unwillingness to people. I kept my close friends, but i pushed away everybody else. I don't want to go out to the club. I don't want to deal with people at all. Even those i kept with me - we don't talk that much.
I feel bad about it, and also i feel very confused. I used to try to keep people so bad. Fight for them to stay, give myself to others, use me, ruin me, just so they won't leave. And now i feel like pushing people away just for myself is some kind of selfcare that i needed for a long, long, loooong time, but in the same time i feel so bad when somebody is calling me, and i just watch my phone vibrate, till somebody hangs up and give up. And i feel relief. Then i feel bad agin, cause i know that i need to come up with some excuse, like i was extremely busy. And maybe i was. I was busy with myself. I just like myself, and i just don't want to talk and listen to anyone. Is this acceptable? Or rude?
See, there goes my problem. I'm not sure if I am depressed, finally taking care of my body and mind, and owning my time, or I'm just a really bad friend. Also what's the difference between selfcare, and going into depression? Most of the times both are happening when you're alone.
I picked up the phone call lately. One of the people was concerned about my mental health, because i did not acted how i use to. I just don't feel like clowning around 24 hours for 7 days in week. I did not wanted to talk, but also felt quilty, cause i did not pick up the phone when they were calling me all of those fifteen times before. They asked how I am doing, and i said that i just don't know. And it started a very annoying conversation, that maybe im not okay. I got so annoyed. I'm just busy, and doing a lot, so my days are blending. I don't really remember what was yesterday. I don't pay any attention to that, since i live here and right now. Then i listened to all the crap from their life that... I'm sorry, but i just couldn't care. I deal with my own life, and i get really annoyed when i need to listen to others deals. I just don't want to talk, and don't want to listen. I also don't require anyone to listen to me, so i think that's fair? But still i feel bad. What kind of human being, and what kind of friend I am if i just don't care about the people?
I've been in depression before. I know how it feels, and right know it does not feel like it. Yes, I might sound tired, but i feel like i have all the rights to be tired. I work out a lot, and i do that hard, because everyday I am at the gym i push myself, because i want to feel the pain. Im sore all the time, and i study a lot. So hell yeah, I am very tired, but also many small things bring me true joy. Listening to the "House of Memories" and "Death of the Bachelor" for example. Enjoying cup of coffee, or cocoa. Meditation and zoning out. Being quiet. Watching movies. Sleeping. Drawing. And there is no space for people in it. Everybody has problems, and what people tend to do is to talk about their problems. It ruins my perfect, calm moments, so i just can't force myself to talk. Sometimes i even think, that it would be cool as fuck, if my classmates that sit next to me in university would be assholes that just don't talk to me. Sometimes i think it would be cool to go to university, listen to the lecture, and just enjoy silience, or some music during the break. But we talk instead.
It's still better than picking up the phone, or people trying to set some date and place to meet with me.
I also think it could be just the winter thing. It gets dark very quick, and sun rises very late. We all are tired, and since I'm doing so much - I just don't have energy for people. I stopped talking with the guy i've met lately. Stopped texting back to the guy from Turkey. He's still texting me everyday saying "Hi!", and i was so tired by his questions, when i was saying "hi" back. I stopped responding, and I'm already much happier. I stopped picking up the phone. If you need something - it's easier to text me what you need. Calling me is a bad idea. I just won't pick up. I think i've never got a phone call, that was strictly about what that person called for. There is always unnecessary talk, and gossip that i just can't care about right now.
I sound like bad friend to have. But it's just some tired time in my life, when i just don't want to listen, and i don't want to argue, and open my mouth. I want to be alone and quiet, and enjoy being with myself.
I did not had and i still have no balls to tell this to some people. Also i don't have energy. I would need to tell ALL OF IT to quite few people. Can you just imagine yourself, trying to explain all of this shit to everybody, one by one, because they called? Hell fucking no. I rather play with my hamster, and read some stuff.
Anyway i would also want to say, that it's nothing personal. It's not that i don't care about people. I just don't care about speaking with people right now. I can't do it. And it's nobodys fault. Nobody did anything bad to me, nobody hurt me. Nobody did something wrong. It's just me. I might be okay, and i might be not, but i want to be alone right now, and i want to be able to enojy myself without feeling guilty. I think for the first time in a long time I'm truly selfish, and please let me have it.
P.S. I'm also super scared that if it will be over, and i would want to go back to people - it will be too late, because they will leave and give up on me for good. They would have all the rights, cause im not supportive, and not being there for them. But also - i really, really need that "me" time.
~N.R
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