My mental state is in ruin lately. And I'm not sure. If I really lost my will to live, or it's another wild twist of my hormones before my period. But it's really rough. It feels weird to write. Those letters look so classy and clean on that white background that I'm writing. It doesn't fit what I have and see in my mind when I'm on my own. In silence. Speaking up let's me hear how pathetic it sounds. How much it can crush and hurt the one that I'm sharing my thoughts with, or might just end with another "oh it's temporary, you're blowing it out of proporsion" - when you actually have suicidal thoughts.
I feel like maybe I'm living too fast. I'm too tired and I literally don't have time to slow down and die a little in my bed. Get the little depression, go over it and go. I have no time. When I manage to get a day of i just have time to barely catch a breathe, maybe sleep a little properly socialize, maybe relax a little. And how about the hobbys? How about working out and cooking food? How about meditating and taking care of the spirit? I don't have time. I need the deep-rest. Two months off minimum.
University is depressing. I think i dont catch up with my ADHD, and the group is really unhelpful. I feel left out, alienated for some reason. May it only be the anxiety? I don't know. May be? But also some people I feel like, they're actually mean and purposefully don't share information with me. Even some professors. I feel like they should be reacting? Sometimes I know that I do that classic cry for help. And I meet the cold wall of anyone caring. But I also don't want care, cause that's embarrassing. It's... Complicated. But also the university makes me feel terribly overworked. It's a lot to manage. And I feel so lonely with it, since it seems like noone else has issues like I do.
The work isn't too much, but the fact that I have to keep going there and sit and pretend that I'm totally OK functioning part of society makes me feel just empty.
Also I forgot to mention the math problems. Going to the extra paid classes to understand shit, that again won't be any needed after I finish the university.
My body got fatter. And I know that. I'm not surprised. I'm the one that keeps buying McDonald's at work in ungodly amounts to eat emotions away. Not even stress. It's eating the emotions. I want to just stop, but it's hard. I want to go back to working out, but I have no time. I forget to take my vitamins too.
I'm trying to get a girlfriend, but I'm wondering if I even can. I've been alone for such long time. And I took my mom to pride parade last year, she had fun, and was all open like "everyone can love, they are the same as we are", yet when I told her I need to find myself a girl, she looked off. And I can guess what that means. She's accepting, until it comes to me. I know it's probably that she's worried, but still - it's heartbreaking.
I'm collecting money for all the trips I have planned, that's also why I work, and it used to work like "reasons to live", but weirdly not anymore?
I saw a tik tok today and guy saying that we are not productive, because we don't let ourselves sit in the silence for long enough. He's right. I use YouTube, tik tok, messenger, Instagram, even my mouth with food, anything to keep my mind busy, but I think it's not a way to procrastinate, it's not running away from being productive. It's just not giving myself enough of the silence to hear suicidal thoughts, depressive thoughts coming up, making me want to actually quit, instead of being productive.
